Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The trip, extremely abbreviated

Day 1- The big culture shift. I went from small town Southern Louisiana funeral, to German owned airline to small Italian airport. We landed 6 hours behind schedule to a double rainbow. (That's right, A DOUBLE RAINBOW)
Look, the Frankfurt airport looks like every other airport.

Day 2 and 3- Pass in a blur of ecstatic joy. I enjoyed myself so much I could hardly stand it. And almost felt bad that I didn’t miss my kids yet.

Dang, I should be better at converting Celsius.

I don't understand why we don't have this at home.

I'm so happy I'm glowing.
Walking home alone, ahhhhh...
Day 4- Back to see David by Michaelangelo. I’m not much for religious art, but I really can’t get too much of that man. If I could have taken him home with me I would have. Even Jeff agrees.

Day 5 and 6- When in Rome… you walk until your feet ache and drink until they are numb. I’ve been to St Peter’s basilica and think that the modern day money changers are peddling Prada knock-offs. Bernini’s sculptures are breathtaking at the Borghese.
Listen, can you hear Jeff's feet yelling at me?

It's old. We saw it.

What could they be looking at?!
Oh, a fountain. That's old.

Thank you Pope, for the cleanest potty in Italy.
Jeff says, no more photos. But he's so cute.

I want those socks.

Day 7 I think I’ve nearly killed Jeff with walking, and I’m ready to be home. One last great dinner and it’s over.

Also, when I'm excavating ancient ruins, I also like to bring along my kid's IKEA stool. How appropriate.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

What is love?

Love is when someone gives you enough frequent flier miles to buy an overseas flight. When they could have used those miles to upgrade themselves to first class (or at least business class) and you know their knees will be smashed into the seat in front of them in coach, while you will have plenty of room with your below average height.

Love is not red roses. Because they had red roses in first class (because I think their @#$% really does stink, and that's why they had roses lining the curved staircase leading to the upper deck.) And someone didn't even flinch.

Love doesn't even lose a step when co-workers go to the special first class entrance, and then come off the plane totally rested from the lay-flat seats.

So I conclude that love is not red roses, but maybe a big bunch of frequent flier miles. 

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

New Year’s resolutions, 2014

Resolutions seemed to be few and far between, so I've written a few for us all to use and enjoy.

  1. I resolve to never, ever, ever wear UG boots. Because they are UGly. Go ahead, point out how often I wear tennis shoes and yoga pants in public. I am perfectly fine with my own hypocrisy.

  1. I resolve to NOT be happy every day. Happiness is fleeting. Here’s a cup of tea to the gray and dreary days that make me contemplate my navel.

  1. I resolve to yell at my kids at least once every other month. If for nothing else, to check my volume control and let them know how amazingly splendid I am the rest of the time.

  1. I resolve to NOT run a marathon, or mud run or any other of those crazy extreme races. Because I am not a runner, nor will I ever be. (For the runners out there, maybe you should resolve to never do yoga?)

  1. Also, I resolve to happily have a few lumps and maintain my huggable normal body fat percentage. I shall never be ripped, it is not in my genes, nor my jeans.

  1. But I do resolve to not grow out of my clothes, because jeans and bras are expensive and not that fun to shop for.

  1. I resolve to drink tea. (I like to have a few easy one resolutions just in case.)

  1. I resolve to end a sentence in a preposition once in a while (see #6.)

  1. I resolve to eat cheesecake just enough to avoid #6.


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Suspicious Smells, Day 3

I am now on Day 3 of the game called, "Find the Suspicious Smell."

Day 1

What is that smell? Put new air freshener in the bathroom. Grandma thinks the toilets need resealed.

Day 2

Me: Zoe! Your room is the smell. Why does your room smell like a dirty diaper?!

Zoe: Um, I wiped some boogies on my bed.

Mental note, wipe off the side of Zoe's boogie bed.

Me, after searching Zoe's room for dirty clothes and finding nothing remotely suspicious: Zoe, your room still smells. What is going on?

Zoe, sticking out her bottom for dramatic effect: It's probably my tooty bottom. It likes to toot.

After shampooing the carpets, removing the mattress and leaving it outside...

Day 3

(Estimated time 3am, when Zoe wakes me up.)

Zoe: Mommy my room still smells!

Me: Go to sleep.

Later that morning...

Me: It.still.smells. Zoe, did you pee on the floor somewhere?!

Zoe: Remember last year, when my bottom really hurt and I stinky pooped on the floor and it really stunk?

I need more carpet shampoo.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Parenting lessons from Erica

1. Any car seat that cannot be hosed down under a high pressure is not worth buying.

I always thought this, but it was confirmed after my darling daughter started coughing in the What-a-burger drive through. You see, she's a puker, so too much coughing equals throw up. Of course, I couldn't get the 5-point safety harness un-done fast enough... When I threw her into the bushes to finish, I had to wonder how many times these bushes have been thrown up on.

This particular What-a-burger is in front of Wal-mart and just down the road from Red River, the infamous saloon with live bull riding. I'm sure someone throws up at this What-a-burger at least once a week. At least I'm training Zoe on how to handle the high school years.

After a bit of coughing, the poor girl then peed her pants. I wish I could keep a hose in the back of my car.

2. Never pat yourself on the back too soon.

One kid is a puker, one is a nose-bleeder. One night, Robert woke up 3 times with nosebleeds, the first of which was so major that Robert's eyes were dilated, and I highly suspected he might pass out. Jeff did pass out, claiming the smell of all that blood was just too much. And in the morning my bathroom looked suspiciously like a crime scene. Pat on the back for handling all that mommy.

Another pat on the back for keeping him home from school, because stuffing the boys pockets with cut up tampons didn't seem right (tampons are much more compact and absorbent than kleenex, think about it, but just a little.)

Another pat on the back for noticing his eyes seemed a little extra bloodshot, then having the eye doc confirm that he has pink eye.

Another pat on the back for saving $150 because you still have some pink eye drops in the fridge. (Although, I'm wondering if there is a high street value for these drugs. $150 for 1/2 ounce?! That's some good sh!t!)

Take it all back when you realize that after 5 days of pink eye treatment, you were using the wrong eye drops. OOPS. My apologies to the entire kindergarten class, because I'm sure Robert told each and every one that he had pink eye and that was the same as The Cheese Touch. Thank you, Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

3. Discipline is way harder than you think.

There are so many times when you have to wonder, should I give the kid a high-five or send them to their room? Was life always so complicated?

I took a shower. Zoe watched TV. Or so I thought. Until I found her in the living room, happily covered in chocolate. Did she find the free Halloween candy leftovers? Noooo.... she found my secret stash of organic, 60% cocoa, super amazing chocolate.

Am I proud that she has great taste?! Or angry that now I have no stash, and hiding in the pantry isn't the same without my expensive chocolate.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Robert starts Kindergarten

Robert, you started Kindergarten this year. 
You refused to do the 'first day of school' photos, but I did manage to sneak a few to prove you went. You were quite upset when you found out I was planning on driving you to school, and not letting you ride the bus the first morning. I think the chocolate milk and pancake on a stick made up for it. 

I'm wondering who decided pancakes on a stick was a good idea. Seems to me that this is the breakfast version of a corndog, but who am I to question nutrition at the school?! After all, they do offer mealy, pesticide covered apples too.

Now this photo... sometimes you just have no idea. Here is foreshadowing at it's best. Within the first month of Kindergarten, you lost countless smiley faces (the modern day equivalent of standing with your nose to the wall) due to your antics with this kid. And there you are, sitting innocently next to him on the first day of school.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Ah, the end... finally.

Then we started driving. Through nowhere. It looked a little like this. And a lot like nothing. Except for occasionally passing lots of drilling equipment.

 At least until we found the tractors. You know we had to stop and look at old rusty tractors. We even tried to ask the cowboys who only spoke Spanish if it was ok. I think they said yes.

 I know my SUV has 4 wheel drive, but I'm wondering if it was built for this.

After that, things get a little blurry. I do have these photos of my kids drinking apple juice from wine glasses in a hotel room somewhere. I also remember having a minor meltdown about not being able to eat anymore fried meats, I think I had carrot  sticks for dinner that night. Then there was something about how I was never eating a waffle the shape of Texas again. I was waffled out, and I didn't care if it was chocolate.

If you look closely, you will see that Zoe has written her name in crayon on the window. I think this is before I found the kids eating the forgotten pizza 3 days old in the back seat. (I was so hungry at that point, and refusing to eat Beaver nuggets or corn nuts or whatever nasty road food you find in Texas gas stations, if I would have found the pizza first, I would have eaten it.) And after Jeff started planning our next vacation, even though I threatened to jump from the moving car rather than plan another 40 hr car trip.

And that concludes the photographic journey of our Colorado Trip :)