My dream car

I have a new dream car.

It all started a few months ago. I had drug a pregnant friend and her son on some wild adventure. The three kids were in the backseat. Zoe was wearing those *BLEEP* sparkle shoes.

Side note on the sparkle shoes- Sure, they're cute! For the little princess! But they harbor sweaty stinky princess feet due to the all man made materials (code for CHEAP) and if you have ever tried to carry a squirmy toddler who dons said shoes, you know you will be cut to ribbons.

Zoe was in the backseat, kicking her brother with the should-be-registered-as-a-weapon sparkle shoes. The screaming starts. I take the shoes, more screaming. You can imagine, I'm sure.

That's when I realized... all those suggestions from Robert? All those times he asked me if I wanted a 'long Jeep' for my birthday? I thought the long Jeep was a Rubicon (you know, 4 doors?) but no, it's a limousine. Think Hummer limo... Looks like a long Jeep right?

I shall take you up on that offer young sir.

Think of the glorious ride. Me, driving my limousine, kids in the back, rotting their brains with video games and slurping down juice boxes. Then, the beauty of it. Things get wild, kids are screaming...

Push a button... privacy glass! I can only hope it's sound proof. This is truly my dream car.

Days 15-17

Day 15 of triple digit temperatures set a record.

Day 16 of triple digit temps and I was seriously considering living life as a hermit. Well, a hermit with high speed internet who maybe makes outings early in the morning or late at night. At 6pm of Day 16, I felt the warm air. And I knew what was happening. I could also guarantee that after 16 days of triple digits, that I wasn’t the only one. And we would be waiting for ‘the call.’

We went to the YMCA, we went to lunch, we went to friend’s houses. Anywhere that had functioning A/C and a air temp below 85F. Because Day 17 was no day for me to be sweating. I’m sweated out (if that’s possible.) I’m not Southern and I’m HOT (not in a good way, in a stinky, post-workout way.)

As if it were planned, just to make a better story, my window of time to wait for ‘the call’ was from 3-7p. This is also the hottest, and sunniest, time of the day. Have I mentioned how much I miss clouds? And rain?

We waited. We waited. We waited. We sat in front of the window unit our neighbors loaned us. Robert and Zoe happily watched TV in their underwear.

I have 2 kids. I can take a complete shower in 3 minutes. I gave the kids dinner on the couch with the TV on and went to take my 3 minute shower. I even set my phone right beside the shower, so I wouldn’t miss ‘the call.’

Hair soaped, hair rinsed, and Robert runs into the bathroom with a package yelling, “You got a present mommy!” I’m not a paranoid person. Except with my kids. It’s just that they are so incredibly mischievous when no one is looking. I jump out of the shower, grab a towel, and run dripping through the house after Robert and Zoe.

Then my two little underwear-clad children are on the front porch. And so is someone else. You guessed it, the A/C man. As I stand soaking wet in my front foyer, with the front door hanging open, my adorable children in their Phineas & Ferb and Nemo undies bounce happily around the A/C man.

There was no call. It was 6:40p. I should have known.

Day 17 was the day we replaced the part I will forever call 'The Flux Capacitor' and the day my A/C guy will probably not forget.

No Paci Update

I got slightly distracted from our 'No Pacifier' adventure after The Most Disgusting Day. Here's how it's going...

Nap #1 Need binky! Need binky! Then vomit, shower, etc. Pretty much makes nap time a complete fail.

Bedtime #1 NEEEEDDD binky mommy!!!!! Then sob, sob, cry, cry and to sleep. Wake up mommy at 4 am asking for juice, even though you somehow found rejected back-up paci. Find out later of the Great Grandma Sabotage of bedtime #1. More crying and sobbing after back-up binky was 'lost.' (That's my story, I'm sticking to it.)

Nap #2 MOOOOMMMMMYYYY NEEEDDDDDD BINKY!!!!!

Bedtime #2 Want binky mommy. Want binky.

Nap #3 Need binky mommy! Need binky! (I thought we had made progress from NEED to WANT, but apparently not.)

Bedtime #3 Mommy, binky GOOONNNNEEE! :( (That's right little girl, it's gone! Or hidden in the cabinet, don't tell.)

Days to remember

Some days you know you will remember. Big events, weddings and what not, are a gimme. But I find there are many other days, that burn a lasting impression in your brain. For me, I'm currently just getting over "The Most Disgusting Day Ever #2."

I will say, as awfully disgusting as yesterday was, I'm not sure if it was enough to upset the post-Vegas clean up day of 2011. Maybe you remember it too. I know I always will.

Back to yesterday. It started great. A friend gave me the great idea to trade the seldom used pacifier of Zoe's for a new baby doll. Great idea I thought! Let's go! Off to Toys R Us! What fun this will be!

And it happened. We are wandering happily down an aisle in the nearly empty toy store, and Zoe says, "Mommy, poo." Oh good land. I pick her up and RUN to the restroom while calling over my shoulder to Robert. But it was not fast enough (running was never a strength of mine.)

I remember the 1st time we stayed in a hotel with Robert. We were staying 2 nights, and I had taken him 3 sets of pj's. We went through all 3 sets the first night. And as I was changing him on the couch in our room, that little boy pulled the classic boy move. So if you've ever wondered how anyone could get pee on a couch in a hotel room, I can answer that.

Now, thanks to Zoe, I can answer another burning question. How in the world did THAT get on the bathroom wall?! We made it to the restroom, but after that was a total complete disaster. On her clothes, shoes, the floor, the toilet, the walls... I can't even describe it. I thought I was going to pass out. And of course, meanwhile Robert is standing outside the door yelling, "EWWW STINKY!!" I wiped nearly the entire stall down with toilet paper, then took a naked Zoe to the sink where I washed her down head to foot with foam soap. Of course there are only hand dryers, no paper towels, so the dripping wet Zoe stood under the dryer with instructions to Robert to keep the motion activated dryer blowing.

It's a proud day in a girl's life when she has to wash a child down in the Toy's R Us sink. At least I can pat myself on the back for having the full change of clothes, including shoes, in the car. I left that store a complete hot sweaty mess. Literally.

We made it home, and off to attempt nap-time sans-pacifier (we did trade for the new ballerina doll after all.) As Zoe finally settles down, she rolls over and... vomits. Okay, I am not a puker. I can count the times in my life that I have thrown up. I just don't do it. Neither does Robert. Zoe, on the other hand, can look at food wrong and throw up apparently. And she did. Right after lunch, which makes it all so much worse.

Now, I'm thinking the bath in the sink earlier wasn't enough anyway, so I put Zoe in the shower with Robert assigned to supervise (sure, this may be a lot to ask of a 4 yr old, but my child is exceptional. At least in my eyes :) And I proceed to clean up Zoe's room. There are so many things you need to know as a mom, but I wish I had never learned the best way to clean up vomit sheets.

Here is my outfit from yesterday. I wish I had worn the bandana to Toy's R Us. I could have used it.
On top of this, Zoe also dumped an entire bottle of sprinkles on the floor. In case you have never noticed, cleaning up sprinkles takes a special approach. The tiny balls roll on tile, and even after you're best efforts you will be cleaning them up for weeks. And stepping on them.

The kids also 'helped' me peel and cut carrots (hey- I knew it was coming by now, but I was so worn out I encouraged it.) My kitchen was covered in carrot shred. Honestly, at this point I prefer the carrot to the other messes of the day.

Then Zoe slips in the living room. You have no reason to slip in the living room unless the floor is wet. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was trying to empty the little potty herself, because there were puddles through the living room, the foyer, the hallway... and it was all trailed by little footprints.

Most days I could laugh it off as a big mess day. Yesterday, it was not happening. Later that evening, Jeff came home and mentioned that the resort he may stay in if he goes to Beijing for work looks really nice. He's lucky I didn't punch him. I love that guy.

Things I wish I had on video...

but know I shouldn't.


A tiny Zoe climbing up onto the full size toilet, squeezing out a few drops, then triumphantly throwing both arms in the air and squealing, "I doe pee-pee!!!!"


Robert throwing a massive fit because I actually made him pick up the toys he played with earlier, and as I point out the things he needs to pick up he screams and stomps away saying, "STOP TALKING MOMMY!" Then when he tries to throw his shoes in the middle of the living room instead of where they belong, he says, "Stop talking! I hate this!" Touche my little man. I hate this picking up too.