Fifty Shades of Erica

There's a book series circling the nation now, that got me to thinking I should write a book, for a couple of reasons.
1. Because then my college degree might be used for something and 2. Perhaps I wouldn't feel so guilty about sending my husband to work every day to get his balls busted. (That's a joke. His balls are fine.)

Here's my next book idea, Fifty Shades of Erica, the True Disaster.

I'll have chapters like this-

Take it off the bed

Those spicy days when you need a mattress in your living room...

for little girls to watch Pocoyo, of course.

Blondes really do have more fun.

Especially when you powder your already blond hair with flour and spray flour over a 50 square mile radius. I'm sure my neighbors noticed the dust. I should probably apologize.

There's glitter in my bed.

And 3 kungzhu pets, a gaggle of sticky lizards, a Lightning McQueen lunch box and a littering of Play-doh.

Caring for the unmentionables.

When you realize your hippie-chick, nudist of a 3 yr old has been using the hand towel to 'wipe' INSTEAD of toilet paper. I think we've addressed it, but just in case, if you come to visit and the hand towel in the hall bath is on the floor, think twice before grabbing it.


And one of my favorites-

The Home of the Big Cock

For that special Mother's Day when I ended up at Sportin' Woody's, Home of the Big Cock where you can come in for a stiff one (their honest and true tagline) with my husband's friend, a biker and an intoxicated construction worker. 

Robert's Graduation

Future Robert, I hesitated in posting this video. Your father requested that I do.

For those not wanting to watch all three torturous minutes, fast forward to the end. You may even hear the other parents giggling.

And Robert, you picked that shirt. I had you dressed in a nice polo shirt, but you claimed to like this shirt better.

Firsts

Dear Robert,

Some day, you're going to realize that I have no idea what your first word was. And that your first tooth was somewhere around the 9 month mark, I think. And I don't really remember when your first steps were.

But I can tell you that you attended your first golf tournament on Saturday May 5, 2012 in The Woodlands. I think in the grand scheme of things, you may find this more important than your first hair cut anyway.

This tournament was a little different because it included some of the old 'greats of golf.' Guys your daddy dreams of playing golf half as well as they do.

Your little 5 yr old self got Jack Nicklaus to sign your daddy's Masters towel. This almost makes up for the TV incident of '09. You said, "Please," Jack said, "How can I turn that down?" And your very happy poppa got to shake Jack's hand and say, "Thanks Jack." I'm telling you now, in case I go senile (which seems likely given the stunts you and your sister have pulled lately.)

You attempted in vain to get get Arnold Palmer's and Gary Player's signature. Your requests were drowned out by the throngs of people. You did manage to get a laugh from the entire audience when your requests went from, "Please!" to "Mr. Palmer, Mr. Player, Aren't you supposed to sign this for me?!"

Thanks to your daddy's Oil & Gas friends you also got to experience the V.I.P. tent life. I'm sure you heard some stories I hope you didn't hear. But you seemed more impressed that you could eat as many cheeseburgers and ice cream sandwiches as you wanted.

As far as the golf, you said someone hit a ball on the grass with a 6 iron. I think you were more excited about Fuzzy Zoeller's vodka semi trailer because it had giant tires. Apparently, it was an impressive display, so I'm not too worried about the vodka... yet.

Kisses and hugs,
Your non-scrapbooking, non-baby booking mother

Jeff got a new wallet

Sounds exciting right? As Jeff was emptying his old wallet he says,
"I'm giving this to Robert. Because that's what dad's do."

 Later, I found this scene. Seems that Robert found something equally important to daddy's credit cards to keep safe in his 'new' wallet. I'm sure Jeff was very proud.

Rodeo Day (The Pink Cowboy Hat)

Several years ago, in a moment of foreshadowing, a friend brought back a souvenir from a business trip in Texas. It was a gorgeous PINK cowboy hat, complete with sequin trim and a tiara. The tiara didn't last long, but the famed pink cowboy hat has led quite the life.

Robert has proudly worn the pink hat for 2 years to rodeo day at school. This year, he was too boy for it, but Zoe was happy to carry on the tradition. 

Here is Robert showing off his new pretend rifle and borrowed boots and buckle!

Robert and his friends wait anxiously for the Trail Riders to arrive at school.

 

Zoe was not sure she was up for posing :)

Playing with toilet paper

I've noticed a plethora of toilet paper commercials on TV lately. Maybe that's because I'm watching too much kids TV, but it got me wondering about the toilet paper. The commercials make it sound like we had a problem with it because the old toilet paper surely isn't cleaning our rears good enough, but my problem seems to be establishing that it is a functional item ONLY. Not for amusement or play. I've actually thought that I should be buying CHEAPER toilet paper, because so much of it seems to end up strewn through the house, following some naked bottomed child like a parade of potty time fun. Latest example? The door-to-door salesman.

We live in a gated community. That seems to mean that we get more determined salesmen when they make it though. One enthusiastically went through the pitch about kid-proofing my windows and solving all my cleaning problems (yawn) while my kids ran un-supervised through the house.

The proud moment came when the naked bottom of Zoe came streaking though, pulling toilet paper from the roll through the foyer and into the kitchen like she was performing for the circus. Perhaps the toilet paper people could address that problem?

As punishment (ha!) for wasting paper the next time, Zoe got to wear it. She looks thrilled, doesn't she?!

Jeff's birthday cake

You want to guess who picked out the design??

For the very curious, those eyebrows are rolled out tootsie rolls, the eyes are marshmellows cut in half with upside down chocolate chips for the pupils AND the beak is the disgusting yellow laffy taffy rolled and cut. :)

A little red sprinkling sugar and some powdered sugar and VOILA, the red Angry Bird. :)